Anybody who's had kids or has kids in their family or was a kid at any time over the last half century has probably seen the Shape Ball baby toy. It's the one that's bigger than a softball and smaller than a soccer ball, hard plastic, half red and half blue with geometric shaped holes. It comes with yellow plastic shapes that fit the above mentioned holes. Supposed to teach babies how to evaluate and sort. The object is for the baby to select a yellow shape, find the corresponding hole in the ball and shove that shape in there. Often there is banging and pounding and crying and frustration involved, but eventually the little tike figures it out and peace resumes in the Universe. At the end of the game, the ball can be opened by pulling each hemisphere apart allowing the shapes to be dumped unceremoniously onto the floor so the whole process can begin again.
It dawned on me this morning that this is a metaphor for how we handle many of our relationships.
Recently a very close friend of mine began an exploration into a new way of thinking and a new way of being. As she is abundantly generous with sharing her lessons, I have been lucky enough to have some of her new wisdom rub off on me. As with all new wisdom, it is accompanied by far more questions than answers. Love that.
We were talking last night about expectations and attachments. It seems that we (most of humanity...not just she and I) REALLY like to categorize. Especially the people around us. See...as we grow up, we discover there are lots of "roles" and lots of people who fit into those roles. There are roles for "mom", "dad", "brother", "sister", "cousin", "grandma", "grandpa", etc. Later there are "teacher", "mailman", "cashier", and all those other folks who are not family but do stuff for us. Once we become a little more autonomous we also discover "friend" (which later evolves to best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, husband, wife, and every other possible combination). With practice and experience, we start using adjectives. Brother becomes either fun or mean. Mom becomes the best mom ever or overprotective or underavailable. Dads take the form of angels, devils and everything in between. Everybody gathers a collection of descriptors.
We start noticing patterns. In our heads, hearts or somewhere in there we begin making lists - long, detailed lists - about what constitutes "good" or "bad", "acceptable" or "unacceptable". Eventually the lists take over. We don't know this is happening. We're just going on about the business of living our lives. We're experiencing pain and joy, hardship and happiness. During the difficult times, we're looking around to see who caused the pain. During the pleasant times, we're looking around too. Eventually we close our hearts like that red and blue ball. People get near us and we look to see if they fit any of our holes. We really want to plug up our holes. We think if we can find people who fit and fill those holes, we'll feel good all the time.
But that's not what happens. People are not unchangeable like those hard yellow shapes. We're not unchangeable either. Our holes stretch and shrink over time as we experience more and more life. Someone who once "fit" doesn't seem to fit at all anymore. Then like that toddler, we get mad or frustrated or sad.
We are constantly doing that and others are constantly doing that to us. It feels bad to believe we don't fit. How many times have we all said "Why don't we feel right anymore?" "Why isn't this working?" "Why have you changed?" "Why have I changed?"
How much misery do we experience as a result of trying to find a fit?
The bigger question is...what do we do about it? How can we get rid of the holes? How can we let others into our hearts without having to fit a certain shape? Better yet, how do we leave our hearts wide open? How do we see the unique beauty in every other person who comes our way? How do we see our own unique beauty? How do we stop believing that someone else has to value us - has to have a hole shaped like us - in order for us to be valuable?
Try that one on for size.
And if you figure it out...let me know because I don't have a clue.
WS
It dawned on me this morning that this is a metaphor for how we handle many of our relationships.
Recently a very close friend of mine began an exploration into a new way of thinking and a new way of being. As she is abundantly generous with sharing her lessons, I have been lucky enough to have some of her new wisdom rub off on me. As with all new wisdom, it is accompanied by far more questions than answers. Love that.
We were talking last night about expectations and attachments. It seems that we (most of humanity...not just she and I) REALLY like to categorize. Especially the people around us. See...as we grow up, we discover there are lots of "roles" and lots of people who fit into those roles. There are roles for "mom", "dad", "brother", "sister", "cousin", "grandma", "grandpa", etc. Later there are "teacher", "mailman", "cashier", and all those other folks who are not family but do stuff for us. Once we become a little more autonomous we also discover "friend" (which later evolves to best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, husband, wife, and every other possible combination). With practice and experience, we start using adjectives. Brother becomes either fun or mean. Mom becomes the best mom ever or overprotective or underavailable. Dads take the form of angels, devils and everything in between. Everybody gathers a collection of descriptors.
We start noticing patterns. In our heads, hearts or somewhere in there we begin making lists - long, detailed lists - about what constitutes "good" or "bad", "acceptable" or "unacceptable". Eventually the lists take over. We don't know this is happening. We're just going on about the business of living our lives. We're experiencing pain and joy, hardship and happiness. During the difficult times, we're looking around to see who caused the pain. During the pleasant times, we're looking around too. Eventually we close our hearts like that red and blue ball. People get near us and we look to see if they fit any of our holes. We really want to plug up our holes. We think if we can find people who fit and fill those holes, we'll feel good all the time.
But that's not what happens. People are not unchangeable like those hard yellow shapes. We're not unchangeable either. Our holes stretch and shrink over time as we experience more and more life. Someone who once "fit" doesn't seem to fit at all anymore. Then like that toddler, we get mad or frustrated or sad.
We are constantly doing that and others are constantly doing that to us. It feels bad to believe we don't fit. How many times have we all said "Why don't we feel right anymore?" "Why isn't this working?" "Why have you changed?" "Why have I changed?"
How much misery do we experience as a result of trying to find a fit?
The bigger question is...what do we do about it? How can we get rid of the holes? How can we let others into our hearts without having to fit a certain shape? Better yet, how do we leave our hearts wide open? How do we see the unique beauty in every other person who comes our way? How do we see our own unique beauty? How do we stop believing that someone else has to value us - has to have a hole shaped like us - in order for us to be valuable?
Try that one on for size.
And if you figure it out...let me know because I don't have a clue.
WS
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