"Can attack in any form be love?"
A Course in Miracles
I'm not familiar with this band but I sure could identify with the cover art.
We seek love, and we are wary of attack. We have all been caught in what felt like painful traps...some where we had to metaphorically gnaw our own legs off to escape. Nobody wants to go there again. The older we get, the more timid we become or the more guarded or the more angry or tired or sad.
I see now that my vigilance was never protective armor, but rather a cage of my own making. A cage wrapped in thorns with a "Welcome" mat on the front door step.
I was given a great lesson this morning. I was confused and hurt and in my simmering self-righteous pain, I felt justified in possibly sending out an attack. It didn't feel like an attack to me. It felt like I was putting an end to something that was causing my pain. "Enough is enough" I was saying to myself, in a quite indignant, Grinch-like tone.
I think it was the Grinch-like tone that clued me in that perhaps this was not my highest self talking.
Instead of acting upon, or even giving further consideration to that impulse, I asked for help instead.
"What page?", I asked.
"493"
A Course in Miracles. Chapter 23 - The War Against Yourself. II. The Laws of Chaos. Paragraph 17.
"Who can find safety from attack by turning on himself?"
I saw in that instant the person who was about to be the recipient of my ill thought out grenade launch had done nothing to deserve it. It was me reacting to my own fear and feelings of inadequacy. It was me bracing for an impact. It was me anticipating the snapping of the trap. Not his trap...my trap. It has always been my trap.
Ask and you shall receive.
The hurt I've been feeling...and not just now, always...has been self inflicted. Every time someone else did or said something that hurt, it wasn't them, it was me. It was always me. And when I've been attacked by another (either by direct assault or fortified distance) it was probably them being caught in their own traps.
Snap...ouch...snap...ouch...snap...ouch...snap...OUCH!
Well...you get the picture.
How do I stop this? I can only disarm my own traps. How do I do this? The first step is the hardest. I have to look around and find them. Unfortunately, they are cleverly hidden. That's why they snap so unexpectedly and why I always thought they belonged to someone else. I've tripped over them whenever I would try to move close to someone else. No wonder I thought they did it.
And when I thought they did it, I lashed out. I took a swat at them. Most often, when it hurt the most and when I cared for them the most, I got out my little hatchet and cut off ties. I'm done with you. You're not going to hurt me again. No sir. I'm too effing smart for that.
Yeah...I feel REAL SMART right now.
How hurtful have I been? In looking back, I just want to throw up. I was the asshole. I was the jerk. I was insensitive. I was abrupt. I was thoughtless. I was impatient. I was mean. I was stupid. I was ugly. I was unforgiving. I did not love.
A few days ago, I talked about forgiveness. Ironic, and perfect.
Today was my first step in forgiving myself. It happened when a trap snapped. It happened when I said "help please" instead of taking a swing at someone.
It's like when you stub your toe and you curse at the table leg.
Stop abusing the table leg. Kiss your toe and make it feel better. Stop hurting others and love yourself. The more hurt you feel, the more you must do this.
Snap...HELP...snap...HELP....snap...HELP...snap...I'm sorry...snap...love...
Thank you...for showing me the trap. One down...
Blessings and peace,
WS
RSS Feed